True Test of Philosophy

The following has been reproduced verbatim from the book 'The Charm and Power of the Gita' by Swami Ranganathananda Ji, published by Advaita Ashrama. 

The Gita has a simplicity which we often miss. We are accustomed to complicate things. We cannot appreciate simple things. The human mind wants, in the name of philosophy and religion, something striking in the form of books, dress, rituals, etc. Simple character or simple ethical beauty is not much appreciated. Simple beauty is not appreciated by ordinary men. Truth which is simple is clothed in a variety of ways, and we get not the naked truth but a clothed truth. When you come to the Gita, we have the presentation of this simple truth which helps to take us across life’s problems. It frees us from all attachments of joys and sorrows and good and bad. It gives us absolute calm, and a freedom from all conditions – external and internal. We want this independence of the individual to be maintained at all costs. This is what philosophy seeks to confer on life. If we have this, what else do we require? One who attains this remains fresh in spite of life’s aging and retains the freshness of a new-born babe even unto death. He has philosophy to guide him. This is the true test of philosophy – a philosophy which helps us to pass though life’s struggles without getting scorched, which helps us remain as fresh at the end of the journey as at the beginning.

The Price of Being Romantic

I don't know why I have written this piece. I am probably tired of explaining to people why I left IISER Mohali.

Let me state very clearly at the outset that this post is not about the simple definition of the word 'romantic'. This doesn't prevent me from speculating (a habit borrowed from a friend of mine) that the conclusions might be true in general circumstances with a few minor adjustments. I have been romantic about entirely different things, like scoring the winning goal with less than a minute on the clock (I actually did it once!); climbing a virgin peak, which I hope to do someday; reading a book full of miseries with endless cups of tea on a rainy day; gazing at the foothills of Shivalik from the the balcony of my hostel room with a cigarette between my fingers on a late October evening ( a pleasure no longer available to me) and so on.

I suppose, this is my honest attempt to distill the actions and their consequences of mine and a few others from the administration in a particular context.

Above all, I was romantic about getting a PhD in particle physics. When the idea crystallized, I found myself in an environment which had nothing to offer towards the fulfillment of my wish. I had the option of either quitting IISER Mohali after taking the exit option or waiting in the hope that they would recruit a particle physicist by the time I start my PhD. This was all going through my mind in the early part of 2013. Fortunately, which later turned out be a curse, I was in contact with Prof. Charanjit S. Aulakh (Prof.C) of Panjab University who had taught Field Theory at IISER Mohali as a visiting faculty. I had made C aware of my intentions of leaving IISER if I was not able to work towards a particle physics PhD over there. Things started to look good when we were offered a Field Theory Course by a new faculty and we got senate approval for a particle physics course which we had asked Prof. M to offer in our fourth semester. I was also doing a six credit project with M. Sometime in March-April 2014, I was told by Prof. Sudeshna Sinha (Prof. S), HOD of Physical Sciences, that I couldn't work with M any further after my fourth semester and I had to find a supervisor. Around the same time, I went to see C at Panjab University. C said to me that he was retiring from PU in May and had applied for a position at IISER and he would let me know once it was final. The retirement age of professors in state universities is 60 and in the institutes/universities funded by the central government is 65. Suddenly, things started to look better and only thing that came to my mind at that point in time was a quote from The Dark Knight, " Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded". On the 27 May 2014, Prof. C called me and informed that his appointment at IISER had been confirmed. He also mentioned that as I was looking forward to work with him, he wanted to share the news with me. I was elated as I saw things taking a turn for the good. Prof. C told me that he would see me in July as he was going away during the summers. Prof. C arrived in IISER during the third week of July and I contracted jaundice, quite unfortunately, at the same time. I went home to recover and came back briefly during the first week of August to finish some formalities of the new semester. I met him in his office and he asked me to take proper rest as I was in a very bad shape at that point of time. I was worried about my comprehensive examination and it came up during the conversation. He assured me that the exam could be scheduled for later and asked me to recover completely. I went home again on a medical leave and started reading things which were to be a part of my comprehensive examination.

I went back to IISER Mohali on 31 August 2014 and met Prof. C the following day. Prof C. asked me to read up a few things before the comprehensive examination and I started studying in earnest. In the first week of October, I asked Prof. C to schedule a comprehensive quickly so that we could start the PhD work without any further delay. He scheduled the comprehensive exam on 14 October 2014 in the afternoon. The oral exam was okay. The next evening I went to see Prof. C in his office. Prof. C sounded totally different. He hinted at his inability to work with me because of our age difference! Most of his augments were predicated on rhetoric rather than having an actual basis in reasoning. He floated the idea that I should probably work towards my PhD with Prof. M with Prof. A being my local advisor. I couldn't utter a word as I was surprised and felt betrayed by Prof. C. I quietly walked out of his office with a compulsory 'Thank you'.

The next day or the two days after this meeting I met Prof. M. The first question Prof. M asked me was what I wanted to do, MS or PhD? I said, PhD obviously! I also met Prof. A to discuss with him the issue of local superviosr. He was very helpful and assured me that they would figure out something for me. Meanwhile, Prof M. told me that he would discuss with the Director about this situation. He asked me go home for upcoming Diwali vacations and in his inimitable style "Tension mat lo" (Don't worry). Probably on the morning of Diwali or a day before that, I received a call from Prof. C informing me that the Office of Dean, Academics wanted to know the result of my comprehensive examination and now, as a different committee would be constituted under the chairmanship of Prof. M, they were temporarily clearing me for a MS thesis in lieu of a PhD thesis. That was the only time we spoke until my master's thesis defense on 7 August 2015. The next thing that I had to do was to inform Prof. S about these developments. I met Prof. S on November 1 or 2. The first question Prof. S asked me was what I wanted to do, MS or PhD? My answer, PhD obviously! Prof. S told me that the comprehensive can be nullified as I had a different supervisor now and it would take some time to sort out this mess (paraphrasing). The next time I met S was at the end of the 'Session on Nobel Prize 2014', 15 November 2014 (I had forgotten about the date. I retrieved it from IISER Mohali's Annual Report 2014-15). Prof. S on seeing me asked me to see her in the office the next morning. I asked S to have the conversation then and there itself, if it was not too long. S conveyed to me that I could not work with M towards my PhD as people in the administration were not comfortable with this arrangement. The explanation was totally vague and unconvincing. I was shocked beyond words and swept over with a host of emotions, ranging from helplessness to pure rage. I informed Prof. S at that very moment that I was opting for the MS thesis and quitting the institute. I exited the 'Lecture Hall Complex' with a friend of mine and headed straight to 'Sector 66'. On my way to 66, I informed Prof. M about these developments. These developments were surprising to Prof. M and he asked me calm down. It became clear in the following days that the administration was not comfortable with the arrangement that had been worked out and they chose to abandon me. I would be eternally grateful to Prof. M for guiding me towards my MS thesis. Had it not been for him, only god knows how would have I found an advisor for my MS thesis.

The manner in which IISER M administration acted was nothing new, only this time I was at the receiving end. They usually work in three steps - Defer, Delegate, Deny. This actually solves most of their problems. In my case they went a step further - 'Disavow'. Unaccountability is a hallmark of IISER M administration and it trickles down from the very top.

Well, this episode taught me certain new things and reinforced a few of my earlier beliefs, one of them being academicians can be dishonest (using the word in its widest sense). I have rationalized most of the occurrences as I couldn't see any legitimate reasons and moved on. What I considered to be Prof. C's unexpected and unreasonable betrayal was actually his retirement plan. He was never interested in guiding students towards their PhD at IISER M. I bet, if he could abandon me after almost a year and a half of conversation, he won't take any students in future.

However, to this day I feel certain amount of animosity towards Prof. S. I always considered Prof. S to be reasonable and had faith that she would do the right thing if a need arose. I would like to believe that she must have tried to resolve the situation but couldn't do so because of the unreasonable people in the administration. As the HOD, in my opinion, it was her responsibility to explain to me the reason behind the situation I had found myself in. That tinge of animosity is for the conversation that I deserved but never had. She let me down in the most unexpected fashion.

My price for being romantic was - 'Betrayal'.

PS: I have skipped a few technical details , but they don't affect the continuity and veracity of my story.

ये और बात है तुझ से गिला नहीं करते

जो ज़ख़्म तू ने दिए हैं भरा नहीं करते

— अमजद इस्लाम अमजद

What Gandhi Ji Means To Me

I first visited Rajghat in 1994. I was about four years old back then. That is the oldest recollection of mine about Gandhi Ji. I have always revered Bapu. This admiration was mostly because of the fact that he was a leading figure of our independence movement and partly because the stories from his life scattered throughout my school education impressed me in one way or the other. These stories always had some values embedded in them. Bapu lay dormant for few years in my life.

Then came October 2, 2009. I was nearing the end of my teenage. I reckon age is an important factor in understanding Bapu and his ideas. Gandhi Ji's words can only be appreciated with wisdom which only comes with age (not necessarily!). I was in my first year at Banaras Hindu University. BHU has a tradition of celebrating Gandhi Jayanti in Malaviya Bhavan. It's a very simple affair where a peace prayer is read at the start of the function by priests from different faiths followed by a few bhajans and a lecture by a Gandhian. There is also a book exhibition where one can buy books related to Gandhi Ji. The chief guest for the function was Professor S N Subbarao, Director of Gandhi Peace Foundation, New Delhi. I don't recollect what Prof. Subbarao said that evening but it was an evening filled with laughter. The only instance I remember was of Prof. Subbarao making a joke about his attire. He came wearing a khaki short and said that we should not think of him being related to RSS in any way. After the lecture, I bought a copy of Bapu's autobiography, 'The Story of My Experiments With Truth'. I finished reading the book on October 2, 2010. I have this unusual fondness with dates and I am naturally good at remembering important events. The book turned out to be one of the best books I have read till date. It provides an insight into the man's convictions and one is able to understand the logic behind many of his decisions which at first sight appear totally incomprehensible and whimsical. My respect and admiration for Bapu grew manyfold after I put down that book.

Today, I, after 22 years, visited Rajghat with my friend Rishabh followed by a visit to National Gandhi Museum. The museum is very nice. They also have a tea shop within its compound. It has several of Gandhi Ji's personal belongings and important photographs among other things. They also have one of the three bullets which was fired at him. I was really struck by a painting named 'Secularism' which depicts four people, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Sikh and a Christian looking up to Bapu while holding each other's hands and the men at the extreme hold Bapu's hand while blood is dripping from his chest. They have a collection of postage stamps of Bapu issued around the world and the most striking of them were the stamps issued by Sierra Leone in 1998, which was somewhat ironical and yet a sign of hope. Nevertheless, it was a soul-stirring experience. I think the question that I asked myself at the beginning is premature. The understanding of Gandhi Ji's life and work deepens with age. It can only be answered appropriately by an older version of myself, probably 50 years down the line.

The question, then, will be, "What Gandhi Ji Meant To Me?".

उसी को मार डाला जिस ने सर ऊँचा किया सब का 

न क्यूँ ग़ैरत से सर नीचा करें हिन्दोस्ताँ वाले 

मिरे गाँधी ज़मीं वालों ने तेरी क़द्र जब कम की 

उठा कर ले गए तुझ को ज़मीं से आसमाँ वाले

— नज़ीर बनारसी

बस यूँ ही |

तैरने की हिम्मत टूटी तो बहना शुरू किया
क्या डूबने से ये सफ़र खत्म हो जाएगा |

ग़म का एहसास हुआ तो आँखें नम हुईं
क्या सिसकने से दर्द कम हो जाएगा |

उम्मीदें मिटी तो अतीत के पल झलकने लगे
क्या अनुभवों में समाने से वक़्त थम जाएगा |

Six Years And Still Waiting...

The first time I came to know about Valley of Flowers was in the summer of 2010. I don't recall how that discussion came about but it was probably during one of those leisure afternoons between our second semester examinations at BHU. As we started gathering more information about this beautiful place, we immediately knew we had to visit it sometime. The first break came in 2013 when most of us were comfortably settled in our master's programs. I, Rishabh, Sourav and Vishal decided to visit VoF in June 2013. Just a week prior to our much awaited trip, nature unleashed its fury over Uttarakhand. Heavy rainfall and ensuing floods caused nearly 6000 deaths and severe damage to property. This automatically led to the demise of our plan. 

The valley was shut for the next three years. 

The next trip was planned for July 2016 and the planning began in earnest in May. Tickets were booked, reservations were made and everything was planned to the last detail. Tonight, we ( I, Amit and Vishal) are supposed to leave for Haridwar but we are not going. The situation in Uttarakhand is a little precarious owing to landslides caused by heavy rains. Multiple roads are blocked and weather is going to deteriorate in the coming week. The trip stands cancelled once again. I don't know how long we will have to wait before we get another chance. 

PS: I am feeling miserable.

For How Long

For how long can you walk

Before your steps become heavy

For how long can you gaze

Before a weariness descends in your eyes

For how long can you hope

Before your conception falls apart

For how long can you speak

Before you realize the virtue of silence

For how long can you write

Before your words lose their meaning

For how long can you trust

Before the eventual betrayal

For how long can you breathe

Before the futility of existence stares

The long enough

Until the moment arrives

When the past and the future

Merges with the present

Creating a seemingly timeless vortex

Which swallows everything that was human about you

The Forgotten Words

Dejected but standing up with a new zeal, a purpose engulfing me all over again, pushing me to fight for one more time, assuring me that there is plenty of life ahead awaiting to bestow its nectar upon me.

These words were penned down my me almost six years ago, sometime in March 2010, when I failed to qualify KVPY's interview. I was distraught and my naivety led to me to write these words.

Sadly, they are still relevant to me!