Juvenilia

On the night of 14 December 2018, between 00:005 and 00:15, I was rummaging through my teenage memorabilia —  mostly books and notes. I stumbled upon an old envelope with perfect creases. It probably had remained unopened for ten years.

When I opened the envelope, I found newspaper clippings and a few printouts on the history of physics. The printouts were from 2005 and I couldn't remember anything about the clippings. The United Nations had declared 2005, The International Year of Physics, and I was being forced, by my class teacher, to participate in some in inter-school competition on the same theme. As I was extremely shy during my school days, I managed to excuse myself from the event. I still dislike occasions where strangers behold me. This has slowly changed over time. With acting in a few plays and skits during my undergraduate days and hosting quizzes regularly during my master's, I feel much more confident on the stage now.

The clippings and printouts threw me back in a time about which I had almost no recollection. Nevertheless, these little pieces of paper did their job. A mirror which has accumulated dust over the years, still shows us our own reflection when it is cleaned.

I am in the dark about the date !

This must be from 2005 as that year was the 100th anniversary of the birth of 'Special Theory of Relativity'.

Certainly from 2005.

28 September 2005

2005 was a very important year in my life. It cemented my interest in physics.  That was the first time I read about Special Theory of Relativity in a magazine called Vigyan Pragati. It had that famous definition of STR form the man himself - " Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity". I bought the  biography of Einstein from the World Book Fair of 2006. Sadly, that remains the only book about him I have read till date. 

I don't want to annotate any further on 'my past'. My words won't do any justice. Ralph Waldo Emerson's poem — The Past, captures the extent of my desiderium.

The debt is paid,

The verdict said,

The Furies laid,

The plague is stayed,

All fortunes made;

Turn the key and bolt the door,

Sweet is death forevermore.

Nor haughty hope, nor swart chagrin,

Nor murdering hate, can enter in.

All is now secure and fast;

Not the gods can shake the Past;

Flies-to the adamantine door

Bolted down forevermore.

None can reenter there, -

No thief so politic,

No Satan with a royal trick

Steal in by window, chink or hole,

To bind or unbind, add what lacked

Insert a leaf, or forge a name,

New-face or finish what is packed,

Alter or mend eternal Fact.

ज़िंदगी रोक के अक्सर यही कहती है मुझे 

तुझ को जाना था किधर और किधर आ गया है 

— ज़िया ज़मीर

PS: Happy 140th Birthday Herr Einstein !

Correction: New map pins down 'dark matter' is from 9 January 2007. The Old Man And The E is from 24 June 2007. Google helped me !

Friends, Friendship & Divorce

Years ago, someone told me that our successes and failures are not entirely our own. Society is equally responsible for both, and we should always keep this in mind. I first understood this when I went to Banaras Hindu University to begin my undergraduate studies in 2009. During the first two physics lectures, our professor enlightened us about the history of our university and the efforts of several individuals, working both in isolation and in cooperation, to erect this edifice. That narration impressed upon me the immensity of Pandit Malaviya's initiative and his efforts to bring his vision to life.

We are humans only in relation to society. Our existence has no value in isolation. Society influences us in both subtle and coarse ways, and in turn, we too leave our mark, however insignificant. In my case, the influences of society were most prominently manifested through individuals whom I like to call 'friends.'

I consider myself extremely lucky to have a wonderful set of friends. My closest friends are from my BHU days, and it had to be that way. That was a time when we were transitioning into adulthood from teenage, and the phenomenon of coming of age collectively leaves an indelible mark on the rest of our lives. Surely, a few years down the line, we might laugh at our naivety and ignorance from that time, but we had an amazing time back then. I have always considered friendship to be the most sacred of all human relations, even a notch above the most intimate familial bonds. It is something for which we make a conscious choice, and if we don't seriously respect our choice, that says something about our own character. Friendship shouldn't have an ideological basis. If that is the case, that bond will break apart at the very first sign of divergence. I have a colorful set of friends. There has to be certain similarities to sustain a friendship. That could be anything, ranging from a shared liking for a particular thing to appreciating the movie Four Lions.

I have always deeply cared about the well-being of my friends, and their successes—according to the parameters they set for themselves—have made me immensely happy.

I have four sets of mutually exclusive friends—early childhood, school, BHU, and IISER Mohali—with a few fleeting overlaps among the sets because of physics. I have always been fiercely loyal to my friends, and in turn, I expect their loyalty. I can't let go of even a minor contravention in the unwritten tenets of friendship. Whenever any breach has occurred, I have subtly distanced myself from that friend. It has become fairly easy for me to walk away from people. I don't like that, but I have come to identify it as my strength. Maybe it aids in self-preservation.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. 

- William Blake

मैं बुझ गया तो हमेशा को बुझ ही जाऊँगा 

कोई चराग़ नहीं हूँ कि फिर जला लेगा 

— वसीम बरेलवी

The Darkness Under The Sun

Today, I was sitting on a bench in the park behind my school, soaking in the late afternoon sun. I heard a chink. I couldn't care less and didn't bother to turn around. A dog had just gone around the bench, and I presumed it must have been that dog kicking things around.

Within 10–15 seconds, I heard another chink and turned around to shoo away the dog. I hate dogs.

As I turned, I didn't see any dog. Instead, I saw a kid, about four years old, picking up a crushed beer can from beneath the bench. His little hands were already holding one can, and with much difficulty, he picked up the other and held them close to his chest.

Our eyes met, and he looked scared. I smiled at him. He came to the front and picked up another can lying in front of me. After a couple of seconds, he managed to hold all three cans with the support of his chest. He walked away, smiling, toward his mother, who was a few yards ahead. She had just put down the heap of trash she was carrying on her head to rest for a bit.

I got lost in my own futile existence.

धूप में निकलो घटाओं में नहा कर देखो 

ज़िंदगी क्या है किताबों को हटा कर देखो 

— निदा फ़ाज़ली

Skirmish

A pain so daunting

Not willing to subside

Memories are haunting

Refusing to be cast aside

The vision of a corpse

My failures and lapse

The twisting of the self

Evident through the lineaments

Lingering in noesis

With a void so mickle

With a void so mickle

हालात

शहर जल गया बस राख बाकी है
मिट गयी हर आस फिर भी ये सांस बाकी है
चाहता तो मैं भी था एक मुकम्मल जहाँ
खत्म हो गयी हैं ख्वाहिशें क्यूँ ही ये इंतिहा बाकी है

We Will Take This Up Later !

I had a very unusual dream on the night of 5 January this year. In that dream, I saw my role model, my inspiration, Prof. Yoichiro Nambu. 

The first time I came to know about Nambu was in December 2008. I was browsing through the December issue of Science Reporter (I still have that copy) and I came across an article discussing the work of 2008 Nobel Prize winners in physics. He was awarded the the prize for his work on the discovery of the mechanism of 'Spontaneous Symmetry Breaking (SSB)'. I was immediately captivated by my newfound knowledge and Nambu became my primary motivation for choosing particle physics over any other discipline. I developed an unusual fondness with SSB and I had to wait for a little over five years to understand it and its implications in a coherent way. The reason for the delay was the advanced mathematics and physics required to understand the richness of this phenomena. 

My opportunity came during January-May 2014, when I had to do a six credit project as a part of the coursework. I chose this topic for my project because I wanted to understand the physics behind the phenomena which had kept me fixated for the last five years. This phenomena is ubiquitous in physics and has been at the heart of modern developments in particle physics. Every time I revisit SSB, I learn something new and to this day I am learning something about it. My suspicion is that it also manifests itself in humanities and other sister disciplines. It could surely find some application in economics where it could be used to describe some macroscopic phenomena by hiding all the messiness with its impeccable neatness.

During the course of the project, I came across two different terms — 'Dynamical Symmetry Breaking (DSB)' and 'Spontaneous Symmetry Breaking (SSB)'. The literature is very ambiguous with the usage of these terms and people use it interchangeably at times. However, at certain places some subtle differences have been pointed out. Nambu's own view on this was that every symmetry breaking is dynamical in nature and the terms can be used interchangeably. 

So, back to the dream ! In my dream, I asked him — "Is there any fundamental difference between SSB and DSB or the terms can be used interchangeably?". 

He smiled at me at said — "We will take this up later !"

सोचता हूँ

देखता हूँ जब उन अनजान बच्चों को

चौराहों पर गुब्बारे बेचते

कचड़ों के डब्बों से खाना बीनते

कांच की बोतलों की बोरी पीठ पर ढोते

तो ठहरता हूँ, सोचता हूँ

खुदा का शुक्रिया अदा करता हूँ

अपने नसीब पर

अपने आप में खोया हुआ

या दोस्तों के बीच मशगूल

बाज़ार के किसी कोने में बैठता हूँ

तो एक आवाज़ सुनता हूँ

भैय्या, पेन ले लो बीस की चार

तो ठहरता हूँ, सोचता हूँ

उन चमकती आँखों की

तमन्ना समझना चाहता हूँ

उन खिलखिलाती चेहरों की

मुस्कान बचाना चाहता हूँ

भविष्य के गर्भ से अनजान

वक्त की निष्ठुरता से परे

हँसते खेलते मासूम बच्चों को देखता हूँ

तो ठहरता हूँ, सोचता हूँ, डरता हूँ

कहीं अँधेरा बसेरा न बना ले इन आंखों में

कहीं शिकन न छ्प जाए इन चेहरों पर

तो ठहरता हूँ, सोचता हूँ

फिर बस सिसकता हूँ |